Tuesday 17 July 2012

G4S

Yes, I know fish, barrels and shooting are involved, but... are we ruled by stumbling incompetents who would have difficulty finding their own arses with both hands while reading a copy of "Arse-Finding For Dummies"?

I'm not an expert project manager, but I have earned a crust or two by doing an impression of one. It was my job title fifteen years ago, after all, and I've since trained project managers who controlled multi-million pound aid projects in one of the most corrupt countries in the world on how to do project management properly. So there may be holes in the following argument, but at least I speak from experience.

One of the most important aspects of managing any project is to make sure that resources arrive when they're required. Obviously, not late, but especially not before they're needed. To give an example from Project Management For Beginners, if you're building a house, it's best not to schedule putting the roof on before the walls are built.

So the "building the walls" job has to be completed the day before the roofing contractors arrive, otherwise you've got a load of contractors sitting around doing nothing, and getting paid for it. Plus, you have to extend their contract... and they *know* you're desperate, so they can charge a little extra, knowing you'll have to pay it. So finishing the walls becomes a vital target that must be hit, if delays and cost over-runs are to be avoided.

Given that wall-building is so important, a good project manager will take a keen interest in the progress of the job, and ask the wall-building manager to keep him or her advised of any delays. What, though, if the wall-building manager is a liar, a thief or just plain stupid? Well, there's a simple technique that can be used to increase the efficiency of project management and expose potential failures before they happen. Hearken to me, children, while I reveal one of the arcane secrets of top project managers...

The way to make sure that the walls are going up on time without any delays... is to go and look at the fucking walls.

If your job is to provide security at the Olympics, it remains your job, no matter who you farm the actual details out to. At an aid organisation I used to work for, we gave certain projects to Comic Relief, because they're specialists in the areas the project called for - but we remained responsible for timely, cost-effective delivery of the project. As for the Home Secretary in particular, and the Govt in general, they are charged with keeping people safe. Now, they can hand over our money to LOCOG, who might choose to contract the security of the Olympic venues to a specialised organisation, but that doesn't remove their responsibility as project managers, nor does it remove their responsibility to go and look at the walls. G4S told them last week that they couldn't deliver, but the question that really needs to be answered is "Why didn't you know that already, you muppets?" Why were there no checks, no scaled-down dry runs many months back when G4S had been recruiting for a little time - why was this such a shocking surprise? Why didn't anyone use the most basic principle of project management, i.e. get up from your desk, go to where the project is taking shape and just LOOK for yourself to make sure that you're not being made a fool of.

This shambles could have and should have been avoided. G4S share a little of the blame, but I find it had to completely condemn a company who exploited the dribbling, stumbling, U-turning, useless hoorays who make up our current administration. After all, that's capitalism, comrades.

However, it's done now. The Army and the police will fill any shortfall, and I trust they'll charge full whack, with VAT added, top-line administration fees and fries to go. What you should watch for, though, folks, is politicians saying "We have responded at very short notice with our desperate and swiftly-conceived back up plans" and expecting to be congratulated for saving us from a security fiasco - when they should have known about the failures long ago.

Oh, and do look out for Ministers saying "Well, we don't want a witch hunt with just a few days to go, we'll obviously review matters later and the blame, if any, can be apportioned then..." What they mean is "You're stupid. We'll hold a project review meeting that will report back in 2014, with a report that none of you will read, because you'll have forgotten about us spending your money on a project that delivered lots of gold medals to British athletes and had a brillo firework display at the start and end of it, so that was quite nice, wasn't it?" (Mind, if there's some terrorist frightfulness, it will change things. The report won't be delivered until 2016.)

They'll be right on one thing, though. I don't want a witch hunt. That would be wrong. No, what I want is fucking CRUCIFIXIONS, in the centre of the arena. It should liven up the final night show (Russell Brand singing "Pretty Vacant"? Really?) and might even divert attention from the stripping lollipop ladies - the thought of which alone makes me feel ill.

At the very least, it might make bankers sit up a bit.