Amnesty

(Written 18/09/2012.)

An item on the local news tonight mentioned a dim person who popped into their local police station with a live hand grenade. Usual story, been using it as a paperweight for years, just thought they ought to have it checked, ho ho, where are you all going and what do you mean, the detonator's still in it, you stupid git?

Now, this kind of thing happens with stunning regularity. Especially when the cops announce an amnesty, when there's always someone who wheels in a Gatling gun they've been using as an ornament, a 5,000 pound bomb used as a doorstop, or a biological weapon that's been converted to a novelty pepper-grinder. So, being of a fanciful turn of mind, I offer this...


Police in Lewisham were surprised this morning when a woman handed in a box containing the Second World War. The war, last seen sixty-seven years ago, was thought to have been stolen and in a private collection somewhere, although German and Japanese authorities maintained it was lost. "I was having a clear-out," said Mrs Gwen Daft, "And I found it amongst some old stuff of my Dad's. I did think of taking it to a museum, but I thought it would be safest to have the police check it first."

Army explosive experts later confirmed that the Second World War was potentially still dangerous, but well-preserved for its age. "This could have created a very hazardous situation", said Second Lt. Larry Bernt-Eyebrows of the Royal Fusiliers. "Mrs Daft walked the length of Lewisham High St with the Second World War in an Asda carrier bag. If she'd dropped it... well, I don't like to think of the consequences."

After an investigation, the Second World War was evacuated, and made safe by means of a controlled explosion. Readers should note that Catford no longer exists.

Captain Scourageous of the Metropolitan Police later issued the following advice: "If anyone has an old military action, don't assume it has been defused. Only last month,officers discovered the Austro-Prussian War of 1866 on a windowsill in Battersea during a routine search of the property. Five years ago the Mongol invasion of Europe (1236-1240) was left outside a public house in Brixton. Both could have caused severe injury to passers-by and damaged neighbouring houses. It's always best to have such items checked by the police, whether it be a small skirmish, a minor battle or a world-wide conflagration. They may look safe, especially after the passage of many years, but please, don't take the chance."

Gwen Daft told our reporter that she was just glad to have the Second World War out of the house. "It's cleared enough space for our new settee", she said. "And anyway, the more I read about that Adolf Hitler, the less I like him."

(I wrote the above for a group I belong to, and it generated this response, and my further reply. Any chance to extend the nonsense...)

> Look - this isn't quite as funny as you think - I happen to know that at
> least some of it is buried under the paving slab at the foot of the
> driveway of (house number removed) Eltham Hill, London SE9 - my dad and his brothers > put it there! It's the slab which wobbles if you stand on it ...

Sorry, dear, but what I think you have there is a slab of ersatz Second World War. There was a lot of it around at the time, and some of it was quite well crafted. The tremendous distribution problems of those years meant that parts of Northern France had far too much Second World War, while Gloucestershire, for example, had very little. Naturally, a black market developed, and many low types (or "Nazis" as they were known at the time) tried to smuggle the Second World War into this country. Although they had a little success early on, later attempts were invariably stopped at the border by Customs and other agencies.

My mother remembers being hailed one night on Tottenham Court Road by a "spiv" in a darkened doorway who claimed to have a blitzkrieg in his pocket. But enough of her leisure pursuits. Later, she was offered the Norsk Hydro "heavy water" Commando raid at a long price, with an option on the battle of Monte Cassino. "But when I looked at it in the light, it was all sawdust and cow gum", she told me, adding "Much like the sausages our butcher used to sell."

Some quite exceptional fakes of the Second World War were produced, mainly for, and by, the American market. They're easily recognised these days, though, because the dates are all wrong - "First World War, 1917-1918" and "Second World War, 1941-1945.

May I suggest that you retrieve whatever lies under the paving slab in Eltham and take a good look at it? If you find Audie Murphy, John Wayne or Leni Reifenstahl inside, it's probably a fake of foreign origin. As for British Second World War fakes, cheerful Cockneys are the invariable giveaway, as are gorgeous girlfriends of honest squaddies, who refuse all male company while they wait for Bill to come home. Neither existed, then or now.

Hope this clarifies things.