Beauty and the Geek

(Written 20th August 2013)

It's back! One of my favourite comedy shows is having an Australian run, and episodes are being screened on TLC on Monday nights.

For anyone who hasn't seen it, the idea is simple, as are many of the contestants. Twelve women and twelve men are set up in a mansion, yoked together in twelve teams, and set two challenges each episode. The winners of each challenge nominate another couple to face elimination. Each episode ends with the two chosen couples answering four questions each, with the lowest-scoring couple being sent home. The couple who make it through to the end win A$100,000.

What makes it such a laugh is that the women have been chosen for their beauty and lack of intelligence, while the men have been chosen for their brains and lack of social skills. So the women are mostly talking about make-up and celebrities, while the men are mostly talking about string theory and Daleks. The challenges they are set are their worst nightmares - for the men it's usually about behaving properly in public, or being confident in some way, while the women are asked to learn some facts and apply them logically, or do something that will cause them to get slightly grubby and snag their tights. ON TV, oh the shame of it!

The men's challenge this week was "Go out in a public place, approach a woman you don't know and strike up a conversation", with points awarded by the approached women later when they were interviewed. And reassured that dribble can be removed from suede shoes with a stiff brushing after it dries. (I may have made the last bit up.) This task was sheer horror for most of the men, despite them being briefed on "What women like to talk about" by their partners. "No, don't talk about the weather!" screeched the professional cheerleader to her partner - who promptly initiated social intercourse by pointing out what a lovely day it was, but that rain was expected later.

As for the women, their task was "Put your hand in these five boxes and identify the Australian animal within". To minimise responses like "Dodo" and "Unicorn", they were given a dozen cards with potential animals on them, and had to pick the right card. The animals were a rabbit, a huge millipede, a python (and that would have seen me out with a fit of the vapours), really quite a lot of mealworms and an extraordinary bird that rejoiced in the name "toad-faced owl". The women put their trembling hands into the boxes and screamed like the smoke-alarms of Hell when they touched... well, anything. Shrieking, having touched a remarkably docile rabbit with droopy ears, one woman identified it as a beaver. "Despite", her sad-faced partner later lamented "Beavers not living in Australia." Another woman half grabbed the owl, which obligingly jumped onto her arm, thus giving her an idea of weight and size, also talons. And feathers. In her mind, though, it was a bat. The feathered, standing upright Australian bat, I assume.

And so to the elimination, where the two selected couples have a few hours to study prepared material about their subjects, from which the questions they will answer will have been taken. For the women, it was "Animals", for the men "Animal Magnetism". Even when studying, the laughs don't stop. Testing his partner, one of the men asked "The koala is what kind of mammal?" After a long pause, the answer came - "A.... placenta?"

For those who have the chance to watch again, I urge you to do so. If you can't, TLC Monday nights, rather late. I promise you, you won't regret it.