I am an unrepentant smoker, and I fully expect to be so until I shuffle off this mortal coil, almost certainly prematurely and shuddering with a hacking cough as I go. In this habitual pleasure, I have had many companions, including my pal singer/songwriter and noted rythmo-sardonicist David Hughes, a 40-a-day Golden Virginia man. Then, last year, he suddenly converted to an electronic cigarette and has not applied flame to tobacco since. I found this somewhat astonishing, and said as much when we met on Cromer Pier several months back. Rather than trying to explain, he simply handed me the electric gasper and said "Try it."
You know what? It wasn't a substitute for smoking, it wasn't trying hard to be a cigarette - it was exactly like smoking. Proper warm/hot smoke that caught attractively at the back of the throat, all the taste, smoke that could be blown out in a thin stream or a long exhalation that sent tendrils drifting upwards. Unfortunately for this full-strength Marlboro smoker, the taste was of Golden Virginia. That's the trouble with Marlboro - there's nothing like them. Except that there is, because the same company that supply David offer an "American Tobacco" option, he told me.
After considerable thought, I gave them a call on Tuesday. I was pretty blunt, saying that I smoked Marlboro Reds and that only an exact replica would do. No problem, was the reply... "We're not allowed to call them Marlboro, but that's the taste our 'American Tobacco' mimics." So I ordered one, and it was delivered yesterday.
I truly have no idea how they've done this, but it's a Marlboro. Not just like a Marlboro, it IS a Marlboro. It was delivered just before noon. 36 hours have passed and I have not fired up a tobacco-based fag this last day and a half. Nor have I felt the need to do so, as I have a wonderful Marlboro that's pre-loaded with two packs of 20 cigarettes. I've been smoking that instead.
Having written that, I ought to explain that "smoke" of any kind is not involved, and here I must refer to the maker's information, because I simply don't believe it. It's water vapour, heated to the temperature that burnt tobacco smoke would enter the mouth, with added nicotine and "flavourings". Water vapour in such a fine mist that it rises when breathed out, vapour that can even be blown out in rings. No, sorry, I said I don't believe it and neither do I. It's smoke, dammit, if it looks like smoke, behaves like smoke, grabs the back of my throat and tastes like smoke, it's smoke. Thing is, though - it's safe smoke. There's no carbon dioxide in it, no cyanide, ammonia, formaldehyde or other trace poisons, and most importantly, no tar. From coating my lungs with black stickiness, I seem now to be steam cleaning them.
Please note that I am not giving up smoking, and this new device has not been bought so that I can give up. It has been bought so that I can enjoy the considerable advantages that electronic fags bring. Number one, of course, is safe smoke. I may be a determined smoker, but I'm not a stupid one. It's Lady Nicotine that I'm addicted to, not carbon monoxide or tar. It makes sense to smoke tar-free cigarettes. However, another advantage is that I can smoke almost anywhere, because what I am smoking is odourless vapour. Following along with that, my clothes and I will no longer smell of smoke, nor will there be a fine, sticky layer of tar on all the surfaces in my house that traps dust and discolours the ceiling. Oh, and if I'm drunk, sticking the wrong end of an electronic cigarette in my mouth is painless, as opposed to... well, you get the idea.
I also plan to have a little more money. A pack of 20 Marlboro costs about £7. The nice lady at Electro-Snout sold me a starter kit of battery, charger and 2 screw-in faglets, in other words eighty cigarettes. She also mentioned that they had a special offer on the Marlboro faglets, two packs of five for the price of one - i.e. the equivalent of 400 cigarettes. In addition, I ordered a spare battery, because they take two hours to recharge. And that little lot came to £35, or five packs of Marlboro. So, 480 fags in total for the price of 100. Not bad... As for the continuing price, the standard cost of the equivalent of 200 Marlboro is £9, delivered within 24 hours.
Folks, if you know someone who smokes, especially if they have no intention of giving up, feel free to show them this. I can't say that I'll never smoke another tobacco-based gasper, I may very well do, but I'm mean enough to avoid buying them because I have a cheaper exact replica, and not daft enough to continue inhaling dirty smoke when clean smoke is available.
There are some very dodgy and far cheaper electronic cigarettes available, so I should add that mine, like David Hughes', was bought from http://www.
Please, though, don't congratulate me on giving up smoking. I have not. Also, do not call me an ex-smoker. As I wrote at the start, I have every intention of staying a smoker for the rest of my life. Just not a stupid smoker.
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