The Tudors

(Originally written 22/8/2009)

Anybody see the start of the third series of this most entertaining fiction tonight? As you know, I enjoy bad television (but not mediocre TV, it has to be especially bad to attract me) and this is a belter.

If you don't know much about the broad detail of Henry VIII's life and works, it doesn't matter, you won't know much after watching it, either. In fact, if you have a vague interest in history but no liking for research, check the credits, because you may have written it.

The drama does touch the cap to great historical events, mainly by having someone Talk Expressly About Them - so there will be a conversation in which someone says "If this new Queen is sympathetic to Rome, it may stop this great Reformation of ours!" Beautiful - a massive, Europe-wide religious and philosophical revolution dealt with in one sentence. I'm looking forward to somebody arguing that "This child Elizabeth will have no effect, trust me", while the screen flashes "FORESHADOWING" repeatedly.

Having dealt perfunctorily with minutiae like facts, we can then settle down to the soap opera that is life at court, and jolly fun it is, too. It's intriguing, because you never know what's coming next, especially if you're a historian. "Do you know what this is?" asks Henry, as he bites into a star fruit. "It is a fruit of the New World." It is never explained which New World he's referring to ('cos it ain't America), or how the fruit survived the months at sea without going rotten. I think it's meant to symbolise Progress.

We're currently into the dissolution of the monasteries and the determination of the people to retain them, also Latin masses, while Thomas Cromwell is determined to put them down with violence, because that's the only language they understand. "I remember being taken to the Tower when I was a child, to protect me from the mob of Cornishmen that surrounded London", muses Henry, which is rather surprising, what with the Cornish Revolt that took place in his father's time actually petering out near Bristol. The dissolution of the monateries was, apparently, done by a few of the King's men riding into the courtyard of a religious house, at which point all the monks run off, the King's men help themselves to lots of jewels and chip off the nose of a statue of the Virgin Mary. Rather like having your ticket punched, I suppose.

"Hey there, Head Monk!" (I'm trying to capture the spirit of the dialogue) "We're here to sack your monastery!"

"What? We were sacked last Tuesday, don't you people keep records?"

"Yeah? Sez you, where's your Virgin Mary, then?"

"Right here. See? Noseless."

"Oh... right-o. As you were, then. Can you put us on the right road for Fountains Abbey?"

Henry seems to have been attended by a large number of people, whose purpose is to hang around in case they can be useful, pick up a bit of gossip that will advance the plot or have an affair with either the King or the Queen. It must have made mealtimes difficult - I mean, you get home to a nice roast swan with the missus after losing at jousting, and the room is festooned three deep with people you don't know, all on the ear'ole.

"...and I fell on my bum really hard! I've got this huge bruise, look -"

"Henry! Pas devant les courtiers, eh?"

"S'alright, your Majesty - we've all seen it before..."

"Who said that? Mistress Seymour, I'm looking at you... And we'll be having one of our Special Chats when we're in the bedchamber tonight, Henry."

"But, Anne... I've got you a present! See, a fine pair of gloves!"

"Both of them with FIVE fingers! You swine, you really won't let it go, will you?"

(To be fair, The Tudors made no reference to Anne Boleyn's extra digit. I couldn't resist the joke, though.)

What's most fun, though, is spotting the difference between the soap opera bits, the high political intrigue bits and the Pay Attention, This Is History bits. "The Tudors" is the equivalent of Tony Robinson and his hit and run archaeologists discussing the repeal of the Corn Laws with Winston Churchill over the bar of the Rover's Return. Oh, and the minor actors attempting to disguise their Irish accents is fun, too - it's shot there, which is why England looks terribly green.

"Us Yorkshiremen should march on London, begorrah! Sorry, Tom, can we do that again?"

Watch it, friends, and laugh your codpieces off.

Joking aside, though... this series really ought to come with a warning at the start that it's a work of fiction based on some historical events that have been re-imagined, simplified, and invented, with added nudity. If anyone thinks that they can gain an insight into the life of Henry VIII from this nonsense, they should be dissuaded, otherwise they'll think that Cardinal Wolsely cut his own throat when he was imprisoned in the Tower, that religious houses were sacked purely for financial gain, and that Henry was a prime mover in the Reformation.

This is history based on "what everyone knows", and "what everyone knows" is mainly bunk. Henry lived and died a Catholic (just not a Roman Catholic), he spent much of his later years opposing the Reformation, most of the monasteries were corrupt and in decline (with a few exceptions), yet with the power to raise local taxes paid directly to the Pope... and Wolsely died in his own bed.

History is a bit complex, you see, and it's not really suited to the soap opera approach. Truth be told, it's not even suited to "The West Wing" approach, and that's the finest drama that's come out of America in the last two decades.

As I wrote above, watch "The Tudors" and laugh your codpieces off - but you'll only be able to do that if you know what a codpiece is, what its function was, and when it was worn. History needs a bit of effort, you see. Laughing at cod history requires a little knowledge, too. (Dammit, I'm rather proud of that one! Oh, and that one, too! Explanation on request, but both jokes are a bit rude.)

I warmly recommend this farrago of nonsense.



(Written 3/4/2011)

So it's farewell, then, to the fourth and final series of this occasionally and possibly accidentally fact-based historical... bollox, I can't help but use the word "romp". I for one, will miss it. Once you accepted that really quite a lot of what happened in the series didn't happen that way in real life, that some of the pivotal characters never existed and that a fair amount of the acting was bad, it was a lot of fun.

Jonathon Rhys Meyers as Henry was particularly bad. He was OK at extremes of emotion, "being happy", "being sad", "being angry", but for the rest of the time he was mainly coldly grumpy. "Being old" was accomplished by liberal talc in the hair and beard and adopting a raspy voice. OK, he couldn't do much about the script, but apparently Henry VIII died of a nasty limp. Oh, and being finished off by a skeleton on a white horse. (You had to see it to understand the relevance - and if anyone did understand it, could you
enlighten me?)

It was news to me that Henry had a child who spoke a broad Irish brogue, but perhaps the supply of golden-haired English children is limited. Or maybe the Irish backers insisted on at least one Irish actor being employed, I don't know. Against my constant muttering "But that never... what do you mean by... he didn't die that way... oh, why not just call this character 'Narrator' and have done with it...", two English people producing an Irish son was just a blip on the radar.

Protestantism and the beginning of The Reformation, the "Great Heresy" of the latter part of Henry's reign, was simplified to such an extent that his Irish child could have understood it by the age of noine - Protestantism meant being able to read the Bible for yourself, in English, rather than trusting Catholic priests to tell you what was in it. (To be fair, the difficulties of belief in transubstantiation were mentioned, but it was only once, in a fleeting comment that was never explained.) Given the subsequent oppression that Catholics faced, and the predjudice against them that exists to this day, let alone the near civil war that rumbled along for hundreds of years in Ireland, it's fair to suggest that there was a little more to Protestantism than "The Tudors" showed. Now, I don't mean to start up the debate with Widds and Mim again regarding Henry's religion at his death (Catholic, just not Roman Catholic), but "The Tudors" sided very firmly with me on that point. So, obviously, I'm wrong.

I'm not alone in my criticism, of course. Many reviewers have ploughed the same furrow that I have, and BBC Drama discussion boards are full of comments from people who know a little about history and know what a nonsense this production has been. "The Tudors" has had more than it's fair share of knockers, although if I had to choose, I'd say that Anne Boleyn's were the best.

Right, so having established that "The Tudors" presented a barn door of a target for criticism, let me now say why I liked it and wish that it was recommissioned to explore the reigns of Edward VI, Mary Tudor and Elizabeth I.

It actually got the "feel" of the times exactly right. The costumes were spot-on authentic, the settings were historically correct, the war weapons and army tactics were entirely of the time, and the high wire balancing that was a continuing feature of life at court was very accurate. A lot of money had been spent to make the production look good, shown by the recreation of one of Henry's lost palaces, the filthy, stinking London environment that existed beyond the walls of the Court, really quite large battle scenes and tapestries wherever the camera looked.

Running through the series were little touches that suggested to me that someone who knew a bit about history was slipping them in where nobody on the production team would notice. The main action was often preposterous, yet the detail was sometimes painstakingly good.

Yes, I worry that people who watched it might think it was true in all respects, and therefore continue to show the lack of historical knowledge the English often do, but so what. Short of forcing people to watch The History Channel, there's always going to be a divide between historical fiction and historical fact. If anything, it would have been good to see a note in the opening credits to make it clear that "The Tudors" incorporated fictional elements. Elements like the plot, for example.

I'll miss it, though, because in the end, it was a damn good tale for a Saturday night, full of intrigue, deception, really quite a lot of sex and gallons of blood. The wild over-acting in places, the historical inaccuracies, the sometimes ridiculous language - well, that was all part of the fun. As I wrote above, it's a shame that there won't be more to come from the other Tudors, who did intrigue, deception and blood in much the same quantities as Henry, although the sex dropped off a bit.

Oh well... for my preposterous historical fix of blood and sex, I suppose I'll have to be content with Sky's "Spartacus - Gods Of The Arena", which is currently delivering proposterous intrigue, bad acting, risible orgies and gladiators dying with at least fifteen pints of blood exploding out of every one of them. Delivering, I might add, in spades, with VAT added and fries to go.