That wanker Gove

(Written 27/6/2011, and still true today. Don't get me started on Free Schools.)

Forgive me for a moment, folks, while I leave my ragged trousers and socialist jacket at the door, because this is intended to be a non-political post. I will happily argue the left-wing view politely, recognising that we live under a democratic system, where all views are allowed. What annoys me, and often leads to much ranting, are Govts and Ministers who are just no damn good.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present one Michael Gove, wanker of the parish of Surrey Heath, and a man who does really bad impressions of a Secretary of State for Education. In a Cabinet of dithering wobble-bottoms, he stands out with a remarkable record of never getting anything right - and gracious, he's had to be particularly inept to emerge from the likes of William Hague (foreign policy still pretty much on the back of an envelope), Caroline Spellman and her useless, unworkable, voter-hating plan to sell off forests, Ken "Smarmy be-robed dribbling idiot" Clarke, Cheryl "Where's Wally?" Gillan and David Fotherington-Cameron ("Hello clouds, hello sky... on further consideration, there are no clouds, there is no sky, let's go back to where we were and start again. It is the strong choice.")

And yet, among this bunch of grinning lackwits, Michael Gove has risen to Tosser-in-Chief, by dint of working hard on being wrong on absolutely everything. This is the fool who claimed that 1,000 schools had applied for Academy status, when the total was actually 153. Noting the lack of obesity in our young people, he cut funding to School Sport Partnerships... then, when it was pointed out that children ought to run about a bit, especially the fat kids, plus Britain would like to win a few sporting trophies in ten years time, and "World Wheezing Championship" wasn't so much a sports competition but a World Health Organisation test of national fitness - he reinstated the funding.

Seeking other ways to promote education, Gove then stopped the funding of  free books to three million children. Presumably, someone told him that one of the three "R"s stood for "reading", and one of the very basic tests of a good education is the ability to read, because he reinstated the grant. Two policies down the line, lots of meetings, considerable trousering of his £132,000 p.a. salary, result - well, nothing so far.

Gove also tried to stop the school re-building and repair programme, possibly on the basis that it could be taken over by Class 3b as a useful metalwork and woodwork project. This one, folks, went to the High Court, where Mr Justice Holman (yes, I looked that up) not only told Mr Wanker Gove that he couldn't do it, but also said that, in his view, the way that said Wanker Gove had gone about it "must be characterised as being so unfair as to amount to an abuse of power". So, three wickets for no score, then.

Moving on, Gove then removed the Education Maintenance Grant, the £30 a week payment to encourage older children to stay on at school and get some higher qualifications. Quite a lot of 17 year-olds who were half way through their A-level studies said "You what?", and Gove found himself back amongst the judiciary - who said "Pay up, you blithering idiot." I might add that they based a part of their judgement on a statement made by a Shadow Minister for Education (initials MG) when in opposition, viz - "I have never said that we will scrap the EMA. We won't."

He has, of course, recently argued that all schoolchildren ought to understand a few basic scientific principles, like Newton's Laws of Thermodynamics. Yes, you can see it coming, can't you? Newton did not say word one about thermodynamics, probably because they were only properly defined by Lord Kelvin in 1854. Mind, if Newton had only lived to the age of 211, I daresay he would have congratulated Kelvin. And if only he were alive today, I expect he'd say "This man is a fool. He obviously knows nothing of my work. He's probably a wanker."

And so, Michael Gove, winner of the Cabinet "most likely to be diagnosed with spongiform encephalitis" award despite stiff competition, idiot-in-chief to the Prime Minister, Secretary of State for Being As Useless As A Useless Thing Welded To Another Useless Thing In Such A Way As To Become Not Simply Twice As Useless But A Fire Hazard With Sharp Edges, Too (anyone else think that was getting away from me a bit? About half way through? I did.), then arrived at his next brilliant plan. What's better than some money? More money, of course! In fact, when you think about it, having more of almost everything is usually better, thought the infant Gove, as he played with his bricks. More education has to be better than some education, obviously.

Which is why he floated the proposal to extend the teaching year to 49 weeks, on the basis that giving children more education will mean better exam results. Yeah, that one floated for hardly any time at all before a nasty gurgle announced another policy going down with all hands, and still not one single advance in education since taking office.

The wanker Gove has now realised that some teachers will be going on strike next week because, as they are public servants, they're being asked to work longer and pay more for the pensions that they agreed to pay more for a few years ago. Naturally, Gove has sprung into action, and asked "Why can't Mums go into school and teach in place of the striking lefties?" At this point, a civil servant muttered "Er, Little Ted's Nursery, remember?" and the Secretary of State almost shouted, "I mean, why can't CRB checked Mums go into school and teach? I shall recruit a 'Mums Army' to keep schools open!"

Obviously, the schools are going to shut, because, going on his record so far, if Gove thought of it, it's certainly unworkable, quite probably more expensive and has every chance of being unlawful. It's easy to dismiss the idea as one more blithering suggestion from this waste of good blood and organs. Yet, examine the suggestion more closely, and what do we find but the inner workings of the mind of our Secretary of State for Education. He not only thinks that anyone can teach, a worrying thought at best, he thinks that teaching is woman's work - and that there is an Army of Mums who have the spare time to pop into schools for a few days and take over teaching differential calculus, design and technology, art theory and practice, English Literature, several languages and, for all I know, the
finer points of Homer to children studying for GCSEs and higher qualifications. Which, when you consider that he's supposed to know a bit about what happens in our schools, and how much teachers have to know before they are allowed near a trusting young mind - after all, that's what he's paid £132,000 a year to know about - is staggering, to say the least. A lesser man might ask, "So what the hell has this wanker been doing during his year in office?" What I say is, "Why the hell do we tolerate this amatuer?"

See, I may not like what a Government does, I may argue, organise and march against it, but I really do feel that I have the right to demand that they actually do something to justify the cost of having someone in charge.

Otherwise, we might just as well leave everything alone, let the Governer of the Bank of England twiddle with interest rates and the money supply, and give the millions saved to the widows and orphans fund. And if ever there was a figurehead for this vacant, useless, feckless, worthless, incompetent Coalition of goat-botherers, you need look no further than a pinhead announcing another crackpot policy, no longer even trying to get a ball over the net, just trying to serve something that doesn't brain the umpire.

Friends, I present Michael Gove. A wanker.