Actress or Bishop?

(Written 14/6/2011 in response to a question about downloading a podcast I contribute to. Yes, I felt like being daft.)

> As the actress said to the bishop.
>
> Explicit instructions might be a good idea though

Always happy to oblige, mate. It depends on whether you want to be an actress or a bishop, and you pretty much have to decide at the outset, because the career paths are very different. Apart from the occasional need for a nice frock.

If you want to be an actress, well, you have to start with a little talent, I suppose. Unless you look good naked and have an interest in bodily fluids, in which case you can probably get work quite easily, and you'll require no further advice from me. If, however, you hope to tackle some of the major Shakespearian roles at the Old Vic rather than rolling some of the major tackles, like old Vic's, then you'll need to gain a place at one of our major drama colleges, like RADA or the Central School of Speech and Drama. You'll have the chance to take part in many student productions where potential agents can appreciate your talent. A word of warning, though. You will almost certainly be offered parts in "experimental student films". Turn them down firmly, as only frightfulness can come from them. They will not further your career, they will only be seen by three people at 4 a.m. as part of the Sunderland Film Festival. Unless you become a celebrity, at which point certain stills will be seen by millions as part of a News of the World exclusive story.

After college, it's the dreary round of agents, auditions, callbacks, extra work, stand-in work, walk-on roles, chorus parts and cheap adverts for tat that is exclusive to Wilkinsons. (You'll find that the JML/Wilkinsons advert roles can be divided into three main types - Happy Housewife, Ex-Bloater and Woman Who No Longer Wets Herself.) Then at last, that happy day comes when a casting director realises that you are perfect for a meaty part in "Doctors" and, assuming that you play a character that is still alive, your career can really take off!

Now, if it's a bishop's mitre you desire, you ought to start with a belief in God. Some ecumenical colleges don't insist on that to a great degree, but you'll find it comes in quite handy as you go along. You may need to study quite hard at school, because your chosen profession will include "reading aloud" surprisingly often. Depending on what kind of bishop you want to be, you might not be allowed to give up Latin before GCSEs, either. A working knowledge of older English will be helpful, too, especially that silly way of writing the letter "s" in really old Bibles. Your future congregation will only be confused if you warn them to avoid Fatan and all his works. Need I add that your verger, Derek Fatan, will be the most confused?

OK, good exam results and it's on to college. There isn't too much to learn there... except ALL of The Bible! Try not to get bogged down in too much detail, and watch out for tricky questions in exams, like "Who is 'The Beast' referred to in Revelations?" Nailing that one down firmly will probably take several years and result in a multi-volume book, hardly achievable in the three hours allowed for the exam. What the examiners are looking for is a quick sketch to show that you've got the hang of things - although a cartoon may be stretching their patience a little. The rest of the classes are quite easy, though, being about how to do all the services, getting dressed up properly, writing sermons and swinging a censer without taking out half the choir. If nobody has mentioned it yet, now would be a
good time to find out whether bishops of your religion are expected to have no wife, one wife, or many wives.

After college, you'll probably start as a curate, or semi-vicar. Do all that is expected of you, keep your hands to yourself (really, I can't emphasise that aspect too much), and a parish of your own will be your reward. Still keeping your hands to yourself (honest, it's super important), do what you can to build up the number of regular worshippers, get yourself on lots of committees, write good sermons, write to the papers, write a book, but whatever you do, Get Noticed. In order to bolster your image as a deep thinker, memorise some simple phrases, like "That puts us in mind of the words of St Augustine of Hippo, doesn't it?"  (Nobody knows the first thing about St Augustine of Hippo, but everyone knows his daft name. Trust me on this.)

Eventually, a Bishop will die and need to be replaced. With luck, assuming your Archbishop can't open a paper, watch the local news, or sit on any committee without seeing your shiny face, when he's asked for suggestion about a replacement, he'll... OK, could be "she'll", but that infers some pretty rapid enlightenment in a lot of religions, and a downright miracle in the others... he'll say "Well, what about thingummy, you know, the Augustine of Hippo feller? Seems fairly sound. Keeps his hands to himself, at least."

Your crook and mitre will then be assured.

Hope this helps!

> explicit instructions as to downloading, not about how to do
> actressy/bishopy things.

Oh, fuck...