Portsmouth drivers

(Written 26/3/2011)

Don't know how many papers reported this, folks, but the latest hair-brained scheme from Portsmouth Council is to leave traffic lights on amber, but flashing, overnight. The signal is intended to mean "Proceed with caution", and it has been greeted with much approval by the many accident repair centres in town.

The idea is to be "trialled", after some top councillor saw such a system working on the Continent, and realised that here was the solution to the annoying "having to wait at the lights for a couple of minutes in the middle of the night when there's nothing coming the other way" problem that so plagues traffic flows in Portsmouth.

It will. of course, be a disaster of almost Biblical Proportions, because Portsmouth is the home of the Portsmouth Driver, and a more dangerous road user is hard to find. My police pals in the Portsea Island Traffic Section (yes, they are proud to be the PITS) have often tried to nail down exactly what makes Portsmouth drivers quite so terrible, and the closest anyone ever came to it was to say "It's as if they all wear hats". (Anyone who voluntarily wears a hat - not a cap, a hat - when driving is invariably someone you want to stay away from.)

Imagine a city filled with drivers who are just a shade too cautious, yet at the same time are absolutely certain of not only the best way to drive, but also their duty to stop others from driving badly (i.e. differently, like to Institute of Advanced Motorists standards). Imagine certain "local rules" on the right of way that "everyone knows, you idiot!" Imagine a city where the default speed limit is 20 mph, imposed because so many cars were banging into each other. (They still bang into each other, but fewer pedestrians are injured by the shrapnel.) Imagine a city where people regard it as their civic duty to drive at 60 mph in the third lane of a motorway, in order to stop others "speeding" - and, no, I'm not kidding. Imagine a city where a "Merge in turn" sign had to be taken down, because almost nobody understood it. Imagine a city where observation of traffic ahead, and to the side, is almost non-existent - in other words, if brake lights are coming on 100 yds ahead, it might be a good idea to slow down - and you're in Portsmouth.

Overtake on the left on a one-way street in Portsmouth, and outraged drivers will lean on their horns. Time your arrival at a roundabout so that you can not only overtake a queue in the left-hand lane, but also slip across the roundabout without braking, and fists will be shaken. There's one crossroads in Copnor that driving instructors always include when teaching new drivers, because there are complicated local rules about where you have to put your car to indicate which direction you want to go in. There are certain roundabouts where everyone knows you don't have to use indicators.

Now, chuck something as bizarre as flashing amber traffic lights into that mix, and you'll understand why local garages are doubling their orders for body panels, and local hospitals are doubling their order for body parts. There are only two options for the Portsmouth Driver when s/he encounters them - either stop and wait for the broken lights to sort themselves out, possibly calling the police for advice after five minutes, when "there's a bit of a tailback, officer, can you get someone here to help out?", or driving straight through, because "the lights were on amber, so that other driver must have gone through on red, your... er... Worship? Or is it Your Lordship, I never know what to call a coroner..."

Now, I know what your immediate response will be, folks. It worked on the Continent, people got used to the idea, the same will happen in Portsmouth and it will work here. To which I'll simply say that the Highway Code works in many places, but it's never really caught on in Portsmouth, so you back your horse and I'll back mine.

Yes, in theory, the flashing amber lights will be the perfect solution to the annoying "having to wait at the lights for a couple of minutes in the middle of the night when there's nothing coming the other way" problem. In practise, though, we'll just have to sort out the "waiting at the lights for ten minutes because some fuckwit's not only confused, but trying to borrow a mobile phone, then asking people if they know the number for the local police station, oh, no, not 999, it's not an emergency, is it?" and the "finding a different route because the junction is closed while emergency services and recovery vehicles clear away the wreckage" problems, and all the difficulties of driving in Portsmouth between midnight and 5 a.m. will be solved.

I imagine grateful citizens will erect a statue to the top councillor who thought of this fine idea. Which someone will shortly crash into, because nobody told them about any bloody statue, "and I had right of way, everyone knows that!"